The orders of love are natural laws that operate within family systems. They act whether we know about them or not, and are the foundation of any human relationship. Respecting orders of love enables love to flow freely within the family system, despite its imperfections. It helps us to individuate, to use the resources, gifts, and talents that our family system offers, and to experience life in our own way, according to our wishes. The violations of these orders contribute to obstacles in our lives, destructive patterns, lack of harmony, inability to expand and to love consciously, and sometimes, also to ill health.
In family constellations, we can observe how orders of love are being violated and what effect it has on us. Restoring orders of love often brings relief, and a sense of release, release of burden, pain, and responsibilities that don’t belong to us.
The first order of love is Belonging – each member of the family has the same right to belong. The higher spiritual order does not tolerate exclusion regardless of the moral standards that the family may hold. Every member has the same right to belong exactly as they are, and they have their deserved place in the family system. If a family member has been killed, judged, expelled, hated, not talked about, forgotten, or shamed, they are being excluded, which creates a gap in the system. The system then sets in motion to balance things out and to ‘bring back’ the excluded member. In practice, most commonly it is the future generation that begins to represent the excluded family member. The descendant identifies with or atones for the excluded member; they may experience their emotions or even repeat their fate, subconsciously giving them a place in the family. Unfortunately, at the same time, they become excluded themselves as they are not living their own life. This is called entanglement.
As abstract as it may sound, looking at real-life scenarios, we can easily observe this phenomenon. For instance, killing a family member through abortion has great consequences not only for the mother but for the whole family system. The mother carries unprocessed guilt and atones for it with her life and failure, or health issues; whereas children self-sabotage and don’t experience life to the fullest, to atone for their unborn sibling who did not receive the same opportunity. Similar applies to stillborn children, miscarriages, adoptions, and those who have not been grieved or talked about. Those who are entangled with an excluded member may experience obstacles, especially in the form of difficulties with ‘taking in’ life. Low energy levels, financial issues, near-death experiences, and relationship issues may be indications of such entanglements. Family constellations is not a moralistic philosophy pointing out what’s right or wrong, rather it sheds light onto ‘what is’ and shows us how powerful and natural it is for us to include all the family members, so we can live freely without the burden and limitations.
The second order of Precedence tells us about the hierarchy within the system which must be honoured and respected. Those who came first take precedence over those who came after, such as parents who belonged to the system before their children, or an eldest sibling who came before the second child. Nowadays, this order very often is being violated without understanding the far-reaching consequences that it may have on one’s own life. Seeing our parents and their parents as ‘bigger’ than ourselves, and having respect and gratefulness to them for passing on life to us, determines our success in life. Otherwise, we are not in the right place in the family system, which eventually is mirrored by not being in the right place in the world. We can observe this with difficult partnership dynamics, issues with work colleagues, or not knowing what we want in life and where we want to be.
The third basic order of love is Balance – the balance between giving and taking, which is determined by our consciousness and has a significant impact on every human relationship. Humans subconsciously strive for balance because through balance we feel free and we are not in debt to anyone. When balance is reached however, the relationship becomes neutral and it ends. Therefore, in a loving relationship, it is essential for one partner to give, and for the other to receive and give back a little bit more. Then again, the partner receives it and gives back a little more, and so on. In that way, a healthy loving relationship can be established and it becomes stronger. The same applies to negative actions, when one does something negative, the other responds with love and with less negativity, so the harmony can be restored. By giving back less, nobody becomes superior in the relationship and partners can grow upwards again. Imbalances in relationships often stem from not being able to ‘take in’ our parents. Common imbalances are not being able to receive from our partner, or we give so much to them, that they cannot repay and eventually feel burdened and leave.
There are, however, relationships that will never be balanced such as that with our parents. We cannot repay our parents for giving us life and in this relationship, children always take. Children repay by passing on life and having children themselves, or by being in service to life and others.
Learning and applying orders of love can be life-changing and is available to each one of us despite the family’s imperfections. Including all family members does not require physical contact with our family and it can be solely based on inner work. Experience of family constellations aims to detangle ourselves and restore order within the family system. When we include all those who belong to our system, we become free from them. During the session we observe, we experience current dynamics, and most importantly, we experience the solution. Feeling and experiencing movements within the system and ourselves have far more profound results than what intellectual understanding may offer.
Martyna Bialobrzewska
Closer
Family Constellations & Integrative Therapies